I went through a number of college classes and quite a few management training sessions on communications. I have known for decades, the importance of cultivating impeccable listening skills. I can actually teach a seminar on it, or perhaps, I could just write a blog. My guess is that you also know the importance of it… and yet…
In the early years as a manager, I worked very hard on listening to my staff and colleagues. I did have to work at transitioning from that “listening to respond” place I was in to the “listening to understand” place where I wanted to be. At first, I worked on hiding my need to insert my opinion at every opportunity. It turns out that people could tell when I was chomping at the bit to get my turn to speak. I can spot it now in others and I am quietly amused – I get it!
After working way too hard to conceal the body language that comes with a need to speak, I found that it was much easier to just decide, at the onset of the conversation, to shut the heck up and listen to this person. I trusted that he or she would let me if they wanted me to respond. Wow – now that one made a real difference. It was quite the surprise to discover that if I say very little and don’t add my point of view the world kept turning! Wow!
I learned so much about others not to mention when I finally opened my mouth, my comments actually related to the conversation because I was fully engaged. And, even better, I could thoughtfully confirm first what I thought they meant which automatically resulted in asking intelligent questions.
I did well with one on one or small group conversations, but in meetings I would occasionally find myself slipping. Plus, if it was a teleconference I would occasionally over-talk because I couldn’t see others dozing off or leaning forward trying to get a word in edgewise.
As I observed and assessed this behavior, I had to ask why… why was it so important for me to be heard? Because, in many cases, if I found a break and shared my thoughts but had forgotten that I was on mute, everything went along just fine. My behavior, when getting ready to share my thoughts reminded me of a fear-based behavior, feeling tense, feeling left out, afraid of not being heard. I found a way to ensure I would only comment to add value… as a result I developed, and employed The Shut-up Strategy.
It made a real difference but I continued to struggle in teleconferences. So, I developed a portable tool to support my new strategy. I wrote SHUT-UP! on sticky notes and placed them where I usually looked while on the phone. Sometimes it was the office wall, or on the desk, maybe on my computer. (Note, remove them after the teleconference… it’s hard to explain to visitors.)
It resulted in a chance to honestly help to resolve issues or contribute real value, or to just be present and learn. Because those rude little Shut-up sticky notes, I was able to align to my passion to help, with the actions I took. I developed the SHUT-UP strategy to train myself while no one was looking. (Unless I forgot to take stickies down after the meeting.)
I truly enjoy luxuriously listening! It’s a critical leadership skill that dramatically improves the efficiency of meetings, particularly when teams acknowledge it as a behavioral expectation. Ahhhh, now we need the Shut-Up! Strategy for teams…